I don’t know wheather it’s good to disclose it here or not but I want to confess that I am struggling with my life right now. There are things taking toll on me and I am not strong enough to stand any more. The continuous chaos has interrupted my thinking and processing abilities. That commotion in my life has blown away my dreams of becoming something of my own, having an identity and individuality seems next to impossible. There is something that has completely broken me and my struggle continues with myself and with every belief I had this far. Every theory and every belief of mine is under test and therefore, under threat, and I fear and I feel I am at the verge of losing the battle. This battle which is the consequence of the recent event and I believed I will win it as easily as it came into existence. But when I take closer look on it, I trace some roots which were almost rotten but have gained life again. The rotten ends make me understand that the battle has begun a long ago, and it was perhaps me who subsided the sprouts, thinking it was not important or may be I reckoned them as weed. The recent event has just lit the tree and I am surprised to see the branches and their lengths. I thought I was dealing with a poll, instead I am tangled in the christmas tree.
No doubt we hear about the up and downs of the life and quite often we listen that patience is the only answer through toughs and gratitude in ups. Believe me I have tried hard to be patient while things process but I tell you the fact that I always fail to grab my heart and make it understand why things can’t go our way always. Being a firm believer of my religion, I now feel that right from my childhood I always believed and therefore practiced asking things from Almighty. And I never failed in getting anything I asked for. But here I stand asking and asking for things again, I have failed to receive the response. That Divine has made me so dependent on Him that I have failed to make any decision by myself. It’s perhaps how Divine chooses you, and makes you believe that you can ask for anything until you become completely unaware of your existence and you become so dependent on Him and He stops taking your call. People say you will be always tested and your patience is going to help you through but I think you are made to live in the sphere of your doubts and fear. Since being here, standing alone and shattered was my biggest fear ever, so I am living it now. Being here would give me sleepless nights and aches, but it’s even worse living it. What your afraid of losing, will be put under threat until you go and win it back. Until your fear stands higher than you, your test will not end. You will be pushed far in that alley of fear and disgrace that you will forget your identity and yours ideas of life might get reshaped. What you fear most, will come and live in you until you go and search for that fear and tear it into pieces. Your progress in life is going to be decided by your will to face that fear and doubt in you and the will to succeed. While making your journey, your self doubt may rise couple of times but that enthusiasm in you should not be put off for once it’s blown, you lose the battle against yours doubts. And that’s the beginning of your failure and end of living your gift.